“He that has a choice has trouble”
Dutch proverb.
I have suffered a bit of radio silence recently. My head has been working overtime, but my typing has not been so prolific. The problem is, we have had a big decision to make and it has consumed us, and all our energy. Sometimes you feel that you are standing square in a moment that can define where you will go with your life. As a family spilt between two counties we are sometimes confronted with the question of ‘here or there’ We are happy in the Netherlands. Really. But an opportunity back ‘home’ in the UK came up for me and we had to reassess our situation. Where do we want to live? What is best for the kids? What is best for us? How do we see our lives panning out over the years? What is important to us? What does ‘home’ actually mean? Not always easy questions to answer and mostly vague, unknown answers. I longed for a crystal ball to peak into the future. But that would be cheating. Instead we became masters in avoidance techniques and kept ourselves busy in the day doing things we had wanted to do for months (in case we left soon), and busy at night talking ourselves round and round in circles. It’s been intense.
To cut a very long story short, we have decided to stay where we are. I know we made the decision on reasonable grounds, but I also suspect that we exhausted ourselves through talking and just gave up. It was a tough one. It seemed that there were endless reasons why take the leap of faith and go. We came within touching distance of a life I know and love, but instead choose the harder (but also interesting) path once more. The things that clinched it were twofold: 1. Brexit – who knows what is coming and how my family’s status is going to be affected. We have heard a few horror stories already and it makes it a very real threat to our future. 2. More significantly, my MS. We both came to the conclusion that the risk is too high. To pack up, move, start a new life and job in another country (albeit it somewhere we already know) within such a short time frame would indeed put a lot of pressure on us. Pressure can lead to stress, and stress to a relapse or at least extra weight to carry on my already knotted shoulders. We were both excited about the prospect, buzzing actually, but the reality of the risk kept creeping its way back in to slap us in the face. This was the first time in 14 years of having MS that I felt it was preventing me from doing something that I really wanted to do. And that was hard to deal with. I felt angry, frustrated, upset and hopeless. I could see a life I wanted my children to have and we weren’t going to be living it because the risk was too great for me. The stupid thing is, there is always a risk. But choosing to put so much extra pressure on myself at this time would have been foolish, and the consequences could have been dire. So the decision to stay was sensible. But it doesn’t mean that I am totally happy with it. Not just yet anyway.
I am trying to see this as a new beginning. A chance to really find some time for myself to figure out what I want to do. And what I can do. The rehabilitation process that I am going through has opened my eyes to not only my limitations, but also my strengths and I want to use this knowledge to bring more focus into my life. The kids are getting older (they do that) and things are settling down a little more. Yes, we could have had a great life back in the UK. But we can also do that here in the Netherlands. Yes, we have once again taken the harder pathway for me, but it is also a journey for the family together, not only for myself any more. And yes, we can always go back to the UK another time, but for now I want to get busy making the life I want right here great. After a few days of feeling flat, and a truck load of chocolate, I am getting my drive back.
Living with MS is ok at the moment. I live with the symptoms daily and so does my family. It has curbed some of my dreams forcing me to find a different way around, but never stood like a brick wall in front of me until now. I wasn’t happy about that. But I also value the fact the I can still play, see/move fully and laugh endlessly with my kids. This is priceless and I will do my upmost to continue to thrive for the foreseeable future. Bring it on.
So, we immediately got busy. We have sold the baby furniture. That period of our life is officially over. Then we did what many people do when turning over the page for a new chapter, 
we went off to Ikea. We are converting the baby room into an office space for me, all my books and papers and general organised chaos. Somewhere I can sit and write away from the general household madness. Certainly somewhere I can stash all sorts of hidden sweet treats away from hungry children’s eyes. Until recently I always longed to be a minimalist person with a tidy pristine house. Now I just accept that I like things. Dusty boxes have been brought down from the attic where they have been hiding for years. I like books, folders of old research, dated National Geographic’s hanging around just in case I get those 10 minutes I have been waiting for to browse through it. These are the things I want to fill my study with and hope that by some unknown form of osmosis all the knowledge and interesting information will transfer to me. Maybe these are my comfort blankets? They are certainly my history, and I am hoping they will help me forge out my future.
Meanwhile, life goes on as Squeak insists on wearing his sunglasses in the dark mornings so keeps walking into things and Bubble runs around as Spiderman and throwing pencils at me pretending they are nets. Oh joy. We have also been having lots of fun in the snow and ice, including a sledge ride home from school and a half-hearted attempt to build a long-suffering snowman. And Gravy? Well, he has been a trooper the last few weeks. Now we are defiantly staying he has declared his house renovation hobby back on and can’t wait to get back in the garage sculpting random customised brackets and sanding left over floorboards. Every cloud has a silver lining, right?
On a side note, the cold weather spell has brought the advantage of not only being able to cover my unruly hair with a hat in the morning, but also clear night skies and the most beautiful stars shining out. Onwards to the next thing – my little sis and her family are coming to visit. Bring on the play, pancakes and party!
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