A letter to Bubble. Part 1…

You started school 3 weeks ago. It was a shock to our system and a reality check that we are heading into the next ‘phase’ of your life. When did you get so old? Who will you be friends with? How will you cope? What will you be doing? And what on earth are we supposed to pack in your lunch box???

We were so proud of how well you dealt with the transition and you absolutely love being at school. However a few days in whilst getting ready for bed, you quietly mentioned that some older boys had been picking on you. This breaks my heart. Children can be so mean. Let it be said though, I don’t believe it is anything serious, just a general pushing of boundaries whilst out figure one another out. And don’t forget, school is just as much about education as it is about learning how to relate to people (in my humble opinion). But it lighted a fire in me and a crazy thought that I would come and give these boys a piece of my mind. Mental right? They are 5, you are 4. It happens. But still, it doesn’t seem fair that it is happening to you.

Friendships groups seem to change daily and this is not unusual at 4-years old. But it hit me just how vulnerable you now you are out of the ‘safety’ of home. 4-years old is old enough to be responsible for your actions and decisions, but young enough that you still have so much to learn and understand: For example, remembering to ask the teacher for toilet paper to take with you when it is needed…! (crazy system but stops kids from blocking the toilets for fun). Not only do I now have no idea what you do in the day (bringing home a colouring with only 3 crayon strokes on it does not give much away), but I am also no longer there to protect you, hold you, laugh with you, help others understand you if there is a muddle between 2 languages, notice when you need help,

encourage you and congratulate you. I realize I sound over dramatic and protective, but I have been with you every day of your life (bar 2 x 3 day trips alone to the UK). You have driven me insane, hysterical and emotional but you always, always made my day better. You are so funny and sensitive to others and I miss having you around. I know you are thriving at school and it is so exciting to see you move into your own world, but it has left a hole in our day-to-day life and we are readjusting and finding a new balance. [Note to Squeak: Sorry I keep putting fun things off until Bubble is home. Sometimes it feels like we are living in limbo, waiting to be complete again. I promise to get over this and we can do fun things together without the guilt that Bubble is missing out].

Another thing I am struggling with is that I sometimes feel like I was much more fun and interesting when I was looking after other peoples kids. This is not a nice feeling and one loaded with guilt and disappointment. I miss you all day, yet within 5 minutes of being home we can be at loggerheads. This is unbelievably frustrating. And the number of good ideas for crafts or baking I have earmarked over the past 4 years could be published into an encyclopedia, yet the ‘actually did it’ pile is distinctly bereft of successfully completed things, at least ones that you and Squeak have done J. It can feel like the time spent setting up an activity greatly outweighs the minute or so of your attention span. Yet, you are unbelievably proud of your achievements. It is such a shame that all these lovely ‘keepsake’ ideas are for little hands and feet, of which neither of you boys no longer has. That ship has sailed long ago. But instead I look forward project we can work on together. Such as trying to look under the sofa for the crucial yet missing 1 piece of lego out of a 170 piece lego construction.

Sometimes I think that I just need to find my groove, other times I realize that I have spent much of the day doing household chores rather than actually playing with either of you enough, which is depressing on so many levels! Either way, I need to sort this out. You aren’t getting younger and well, nor am I. So, bring on those Christmas craft ideas.

I just want you to know that I love you. And I am so proud how you have turned out (mostly – feel free to work on eating your dinner in under an hour if you want full marks). You are a treasure to our family and we miss having you around in the day, but we are equally enthralled at how you are developing and bringing such humour (enough of the fart jokes already) and sensitivity to our little unit. Good luck at school Bubble. It’s going to be one hell of a ride.

Love, Mummy xxx

Meanwhile, look at this truly awesome boat that they have designed and ‘made’ with Gravy. Yeah, good for them etc etc. The damn thing is now a semi-permanent structure in the living room.  Along with 20 metre rope to drag one another out of the shark infested water. And it is being filled with a whole load of crap (think books, playmobile, playdough, old sandwiches for the ‘journey’ and oh, endless arguments over whose turn it is to steer). Oh hurray…!

ps. Beautiful pic of Bubble taken from great friend in Arnhem area. Ask me for her details if interested 🙂